The results are in...

I don't even know where to begin...

Yesterday was a rollercoaster of a day to say the least.

Nothing, and I mean, nothing could have prepared us for the results that we got.

So, the day before yesterday we were told by our endo's secretary that the results showed immotility to be zero which is good but then they suddenly stopped and said that the rest of the results will need to be given by the Endocrinologist.

As I said, we would share the results, good or bad. Unfortunately for us, they weren't great.

Ethan rang the Endo's secretary who said that the Endo is getting further advice from another hospital regards what to do next and that there will be a face to face meeting arranged to discuss the results.

Ethan then decided to call the Doctors who read the results letter aloud to him.

There was no sperm count. Nothing. Zero. Zilch.

I cannot even begin to explain the heartbreak that this has caused us both. Probably more so for Ethan than I. But still, any positivity or optimism either of us had has been completely crushed.

I know in my right mind that there are so many things that can be done to reverse this and there is still hope out there... I know that we can, most likely, get Ethan to produce sperm but when you're met with that result, it does not matter. The stuff that your right mind is telling you doesn't stop your heart from hurting.

I feel lost, completely heartbroken and this is one thing that I cannot make better for him. No words, affection, advice I give is going to make this any better.

I spend my days wanting to make my best friend happy, make him smile, laugh... I feel helpless. Useless even.

I'm struggling, even writing this to drag back the tears.

In my head, I'm finding it so difficult to be excited or happy for anyone having babies and that's truly awful! That's not me... Of course it's different when it's family as I have an emotional connection there but watching and hearing about other people of whom I don't have any emotional link to I'm finding incredibly difficult to feel the same excitement as I would have done before. I love watching other people happy and showing off their beautiful babies to the world but right now, it's far too difficult to fully appreciate.

But I know that this is just me grieving. Me grieving for the baby that I wish I had with Ethan that I may or may not ever have.

I'm about to have a beautiful Nephew born into the world... Any moment now! I am genuinely so excited and so looking forwards to meeting this little man! I can't stop telling people that I'm going to be an Auntie soon and I'm literally watching my phone like a hawk to see when he's born! He's going to be so loved and I can't wait to be the best Auntie!

So, don't get me wrong I'm not completely unhappy when I see babies or anything to do with them... I think it's just a sense of wishing and longing to be that person who's pregnant with their child... Starting out in motherhood. I just want it to be me.

Deep down, I know that this will happen for us one way or another. We will have a baby whether that's through me being pregnant with our child or us finding an alternative. But right now, I just can't even face to think about anything other than the horrible hand we've been dealt.

Ethan and I have been through an incredibly turbulent 2 years in amongst the happiest day of our life when we both married each other last August. We've gone through more in this last year than anyone could dream of going through in their life. And for once, just for once, I hoped and prayed that we were due some good news.

Ethan told me the result and after I hung up the phone, I looked up and just asked "WHY?"... "WHY US?".

Now, I'm not particularly religious, I believe in something, I believe in a God. There's only certain points in my life that I felt the need to talk to them or to question what was happening in my life and this is certainly one of those moments.

How do I get past this? Is this something you can get past or is it something that I just have to learn to accept, hope will go away or will pass?

Will I look back on this day and think my God, we went through hell and back but now we've succeeded and through all the odds we've done it?

I truly hope that it's the latter.

I truly want to do this for everyone that's going through this same, tough situation. I want you to know that you're not alone and that there is still hope!

I have seen so many stories that provide me with my positive outlook on this and as I know in my right mind... It is possible.

This is only the beginning of our journey and it most certainly is not the end!

Hopefully it's not long until we find out some further information so we truly know what lies next.

We're both still so young and we're lucky enough to not be in a rush... Time is on our side.

I know for others that this is not the case but as I've said... This early on in the process you really have to remember that this truly is the beginning of the journey!

Stay strong, especially for one another and remain as positive as you can.

Love,

N xo