As a newly wed couple, it's quite normal for people to question as to when we're going to be having a baby.
At least once per week, we will be asked the question and every time I get the same sense of upset.
It's not their fault, they just assume everything is okay which is entirely normal - They don't know the issues we may face in having even just one baby.
In the grand scheme of things, I think that Ethan and I are pretty lucky... We both live in the UK, have access to the NHS... We are incredibly fortunate.
This, however, does not take away that pain... the pain when people ask... the pain when you see others around you getting pregnant or with their own beautiful babies, toddlers and children despite how genuinely happy you are for them.
I think you go through stages... Stages of sadness, excitement, happiness and frustration - It is mentally draining.
When someone asks me, or even Ethan, "When are you two having a baby?" we respond the same... Like a pre-rehearsed line in a play... "We're not too sure, probably in the next year or two" as we both smile trying desperately to laugh it all off.
On the outside, I feel like I try incredibly hard to hold it all together but on the inside, I'm terrified that it just might not happen for us. Although I do remain very hopeful overall.
I do generally try very hard to remain positive... People who know me know that I'm a jolly, upbeat kinda gal.
By doing this blog, it does help to not only share my experiences and share how this is making me feel. But hopefully by doing this, others that may feel the same way might get some comfort in knowing that it's okay to feel this way. It's normal and you are definitely not alone.
When I started to publish my blogs, I knew I would get mixed reviews. Good and bad.
I am so truly humbled by the majority of people, with a similar condition to Ethan being so open... Sharing their own experiences, stories and well wishes.
Although, nothing could have prepared me for my first comment. My first comment was negative.
"What's the big deal anyway?" was one part of this person's comment.
What's the big deal?
I was absolutely stunned into silence. I cried. I had such a sleepless night that night and for the small part that I did sleep, I had a nightmare and woke up in the midst of a panic attack.
Some may think, "Well, yes, what is the big deal?" or perhaps even, that's a bit dramatic.
But to me, this is a huge deal! And if it wasn't, then I certainly would not be doing this?!
All I want to do is help others and I couldn't help but be upset that someone saw this as something other than me being appropriately open in order to help others who may feel the same way.
The next day, I spent hours on a response to this person. I didn't know who they were, but I just felt that they clearly don't understand my message... What I'm about and what we're both doing this for.
I decided that education was a more positive way of dealing with the negativity. Sharing our mission, message and genuine lust to help others get through this too.
But most importantly, beside the single negative comment... I received so many amazing comments, people reaching out to me, offering advice, knowledge, academic research!
I've suddenly gone from, "No one understands what we're going through", "No one has done this before"... To a sudden burst of amazing, lovely people all reaching out to say, "We've been there!" or "We're going through this too".
I can't even begin to describe how amazing this feels!
To know that we're not alone, that there are others with this condition that are equally as unaware as us about whether this is a possibility is so helpful.
As I've said previously, if this blog can help other's to know you're not alone and provide some kind of 'case study' , for a want of a better phrase, then we have both accomplished what we set out to achieve!
If you're reading this, even if you haven't got a pituitary disorder, please know you are not alone, there is a world of people who are kind, caring and willing to support you through this too!
I cannot express, in spite of how difficult this can be at times, how humbled and genuinely overwhelmed I am at those who have reached out to us and been so honest and shared their own concerns, experiences and advice! Genuinely, thank you!
So, when are you having a baby?
I've realised that, it doesn't matter. Despite, the feelings of doubt, the feelings of upset and the inevitable unknowing... I am truly positive. Medicine truly is remarkable these days! We have full faith in Ethan's Endocrinologist and thanks to those that have been kind enough to share, we both feel so much more informed, supported and positive.
So next time people ask, I will most probably reply and respond in the same way; I will probably still feel the same way. The difference now is, I can respond knowing I'm not alone, that It's okay to feel this way but equally that it's okay for people to ask.
No one knows what is going on in your head unless you share and tell them. But only if you're ready and want to.
If you're reading this and you're upset, frustrated or anxious when someone asks "When are you having a baby?" it's okay to not be okay. Support is key and those people that stay and support you are the ones that truly matter.
Some people may not understand; But that's okay! You've got support, you're not alone and there are people out there that completely understand you. You've just got to put yourself out there, put aside the negativity because the positive certainly outweighs it!
It's okay not to be okay. It's okay to talk, cry, be anxious.
But always remember to smile, be positive and know that you will get through this!
N xo
Comments